eFax of Life from CBMC Heartland
Jealous of My Own Kids
I came into parenting with some real misconceptions - one being that having kids wouldn't greatly change our lives. We were married for 8 years. Wanted children. Liz wasn't getting pregnant. Went thru the pain from miscarriage. Put in for adoption. That's when Liz gets pregnant and we have our first child. It's also when I received an extra surprise: NO ONE TOLD ME I WAS GOING TO BE JEALOUS OF MY OWN KIDS!
Before kids - I was #1 in the house. I felt I was "in control." (A mere illusion - but I actually believed that!) And I really was #1 in my wife's estimation. Before kids.
Then, after beginning our family, it dawned on me, if there was a fire in the house and Liz could haul only one person out, IT WASN'T GOING TO BE ME!
These little products of "womb world" were more important to her than I was! Liz wouldn't leave the kids behind and take a vacation with just me. Her cooking was geared to the kid's tastes, not mine. Her energy was spent on the kids, not me. They were the primary objects of her attention, not me!
If another guy had been vying for my wife's affection, I'd have kicked his butt. But here I was, jealous of my own kids. Plus this was so embarrassing and I felt so immature about having these feelings that I certainly wouldn't share them with anyone else.
Remember the adage about understanding why we do what we do: "people don't run to pleasure, they run from pain?" Well, I'd had other pain and emptiness during the preceding 8 years of marriage (before kids) and had self-medicated with adultery and business success. Now, after kids, I simply focused more on my work-world. Liz and I began to run separate lives. She had her job description. I had mine. We did management by exception - i.e. "don't tell me what you did today. I'm too tired to hear your story or tell mine. Just tell me what the problems ('exceptions' from expectations) are and I'll tell you how to fix them - or I'll just go and fix them myself."
I'd married Liz because we could laugh and talk for hours, I enjoyed being with her, and I was looking forward to constant sex. Now, that all had evaporated, and the kids seemed to have taken over our relationship.
Positive change for us came in two forms: First, we both became Christians. (Christianity is not a religion. It is a personal relationship with God thru His Son.) Second, we attended a marriage seminar where we learned: A. Our marriage experiences were actually fairly normal - i.e. other couples were often going thru the same feelings and tensions. B. God's design was for each of us to be 'fundamental' - i.e. use our brains and have fun!
Think about it for a minute. Liz and I were married at 20. Child rearing takes maybe 20 years. If we are 'average' - will probably live to be about 75+. That gives us 35 years of married life without kids. And God doesn't want our lives to be centered on the children. First, He wants us to keep Him as the main focus of our lives. Next, He wants us to keep a godly balance in our own lives (adequate sleep, exercise, self-care and development, etc.). Then - His design is that I love my spouse - with such an overflow of joy and care - that my love for my spouse actually resembles His love of us! Most of us have good intentions - good intentions don't change us. We need to be intentional for it to make a difference.
I open the car door for Liz. When we finish a conversation on the phone - we always end by saying "I love you." I ask what she is doing today - and if I can help. I give her surprise gifts. And take her to 'cool' places. (Hey - I'm still a 'jerk' in lots of areas, too. I rarely do dishes. Never do laundry. And sometimes pass gas and belch - cuz I know it grosses her out! But - I'm in process and Liz likes my 'trend line'.)
And because of being connected to the Source of love (God has a monopoly on the 'real thing'.) I have enough love to even be a blessing to those very children I was jealous of. This weekend, in fact, we are flying the rest of the family out to watch our oldest daughter receive a Master's degree from the University of Virginia. The 'old Ken' would have thought it was a 'waste' of time and money for just 'making memories' (when I could have been saving up the $$$$ to buy something tangible, functional, permanent).
What about you? Is there fun, joy, spontaneity, love in your marriage? Or have you settled for separate job descriptions and separating lives?
CBMC Heartland, 05/17/02
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