eFax of Life from CBMC Heartland

A Weekly Inspirational Thought from Ken Korkow

Marriage Problems

She makes more money than her husband. After the mundane, tediousness of being at home and raising kids - it's exciting to have power and respect in her office world. Plus - the excitement/freshness of new relationships - especially with men who notice and care - is stimulating.

She didn't enter into marriage with this goal. She thought her husband would be a solid leader/provider/protector - but she found he wasn't. So she felt forced to take control.

A familiar story - with predictable consequences. But please consider this passage from the booklet "When The Flame Flickers:"

"Conflict is normal in marriage. God warned Eve, 'Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.' This text describes the roots of the battle between the sexes. A woman's 'desire' in this context likely implies a desire for control (compare the same word in Gen. 4:7). A man's 'rule' likely refers to domination by force. Marriage has become what God never intended it to be - a struggle for power and control instead of a complementary relationship of equals.

A woman often struggles to control her relationship with her husband because she's afraid of being controlled by him if she doesn't. While God has not taken away a man's responsibility to provide loving, self-sacrificing, servant leadership, He knows that a man's self-centered tendency will be to misuse his strength and overpower his wife to get what he wants. This abuse of male power fuels the urge for control on the part of the women.

This intensifies a woman's core struggle with insecurity. A wife longs to be secure in the strength of her husband's love. She feels most secure when he takes the initiative in tenderly leading her. But when a man violates his call by either abdicating his leadership or abusing it, a woman feels abandoned and unloved.

But rather than face their vulnerability and painful disappointment, women tend to hide their femininity by controlling or conceding.

Women often strive to control the relationship to minimize their feelings of insecurity. If they risk letting their vulnerability be seen, they fear it will be ignored. When their security is threatened, they take control by efficiently managing their world (such as being so competent that no one would ever suspect their fears), being so nice (so that anyone denying their requests would feel like a cad), or by relying on their physical attractiveness to ensure that they are not abandoned. Women who practice hiding their heartache by seeking control seldom risk experiencing their insecurity without a safety net. A well-thought-out contingency plan is essential to their survival because 'no man is truly trustworthy.'

On the other hand, some women have been so overpowered and overwhelmed by abusive men that they hide their feminine hearts by concession. They may have fought for control earlier, but after being repeatedly crushed by an overbearing man, they have given up on ever feeling safe and secure in their marriage. They go along to get along, and they avoid conflict. They end up settling for a hollow relationship that is mere survival - not truly living."

If you'd like a free copy of this booklet - which is sub-titled "Rekindling Intimacy in Your Marriage" - please let me know, . It does a good job of identifying the issues men and women face in marriage - and then providing solid suggestions for restoring romance.

CBMC Heartland, 07/25/02

eFax of Life is an outreach of CBMC Heartland, which is a not-for-profit organization supported by tax-deductible contributions. If you or a friend have been encouraged by these articles and would like to make a contribution, please make your check payable to "CBMC - Heartland" and write in the memo line "eFax of Life support." You can mail your contribution to: Ken Korkow - c/o CBMC Heartland, 1065 North 115th Street, Suite 100, Omaha, Nebraska 68154-4423. Contributions are not necessary to continue receiving the Fax.

To have the Fax of Life sent to your email inbox every week, fill out this submission form and you'll be added to the list within a few days.