eFax of Life from CBMC Heartland
Bored with marriage
When I was dating Liz - we would talk for hours on the phone, write long letters, kiss 'til my lips were sore. When I was with her - my personality changed. She made me glow/feel really alive.
Then we married.
The excitement wore off. The challenge of the chase was gone. I threw my attention and energy into conquering new visions. My identity came from performance and possessions won in the arena of work. And our marriage was on-the-rocks.
The booklet When The Flame Flickers says it well:
Men's struggle with work. While productive work was always a part of God's plan for man (Gen. 1:28-30; 2:15), God told Adam that all his attempts to sustain life from the earth would now involve 'painful toil' (3:17). The earth would become more his foe than his friend. The ground that had once yielded abundantly to his touch would 'produce thorns and thistles' that would frustrate his attempts to eke out a living (v. 18). Work now became hard. Resistance became the norm. Blood, sweat, and tears were required to survive.
Men's struggle with adequacy. Men are typically haunted by the question of whether or not they have what it takes to love and lead in the way God expects. Chronic fears of inadequacy are the lingering legacy of God's curse on men. The curse exposes their battle to balance all that life throws at them. 'Thorns and thistles' produce hostile opposition not only in their work but also in their relationships. Commonly, a man's efforts to measure up in his marriage are especially frustrated when he is threatened by his wife's vulnerability (which he can't fix) and her demand for control (which he can't change). The battle for control in a marriage with a woman who feels vulnerable and unprotected by a man who feels inadequate and unfairly criticized is a formula for frustration and conflict that most men work hard to avoid.
But rather than face their inadequacy and disappointment in not measuring up, men tend to hide their masculinity through avoidance or abuse.
Men who feel weak often avoid situations and relationships (especially with assertive women) where they fear exposure of their ineptness in leading. When threatened, these men tend to seek escape through some form of diversion, busyness, addictive activity, or some area of felt competency. Men who practice hiding through avoidance won't risk failure in what matters most to them. They seek to protect their image at all costs.
Some men who are open in their anger use their strength to abuse and control physically weaker women. They dominate with physical intimidation, tongue-lashing, money control, or relentless put-downs and criticisms, which over time demean and dishonor the wife God has given to them.
This booklet - subtitled "Rekindling Intimacy in Your Marriage" - deals with the problems men and women face in marriage and then provides excellent ideas on how to rebuild a marriage. Because Liz and I know these principles work - we'd like to offer you this booklet - FREE. If you, a family member, or friend could benefit - just let us know the number you need and your mailing address.
CBMC Heartland, 08/02/02
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