eFax of Life from CBMC Heartland
Dealing with Death
It was the first time I'd dealt with death in Viet Nam. I'd just come back to my position on our line to find it had been blown away by an incoming rocket. One of my men had been blown in two. The top half begged for someone to finish the job. They didn't have to. He died before they could get him to the helicopter. Another man lost an arm, a hand, and a leg, and then on the helicopter ride, his life. The third man didn't have a scratch on his body. But he lost his mind. And never returned to normal.
Back in 1968 at the age of 20, I hadn't yet read Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross' book On Death and Dying which identifies five stages of emotional processing generally associated with death. Wish I had. My recovery would have been faster/less painful. And to prepare you, I'm going to share my discoveries in dealing with the death of others.
STAGE ONE: DENIAL - "What you're telling me can't be true! I just saw them!! They were o.k. then!!!" Though it is inevitable, death still comes as a shock. But one way or another, the reality becomes apparent and this stage is usually dealt with quickly.
STAGE TWO: ANGER, TURNED OUTWARD - "It's their fault. They're going to pay." My anger initially turned toward the North Vietnamese. But our rage can be directed at the drunk driver, the Taliban, al-Qaida, the bank robbers that started shooting innocent people. Personally, the night my men's lives were destroyed, I became very cold, calculating, and cruel.
STAGE THREE: ANGER TURNED INWARD - "It's my fault. If I had just…., then they wouldn't be dead." Or, "It's our fault. If the F.B.I. had just shared their information with the C.I.A., then the September 11th hijacking wouldn't have happened." Personally, it was from that Viet Nam experience that I became hypercritical of myself--mad that I couldn't do better, more.
STAGE FOUR: DEPRESSION - A classic definition of depression is 'anger turned inward.' I went through 33 years of varying degrees of depression. Here's how I know: Three weeks after my first group of men were destroyed, I lost another nine men in one afternoon. And didn't shed a tear for them until about nine months ago.
What I didn't know was that all anger is ultimately directed at God. If God is good and God is in control, and something bad things happen (and I can't be mad at God) then I carry that anger inside of me and, without hope of resolution, become depressed.
STAGE FIVE: ACCEPTANCE - Some people never get to this stage. They become critical, suspicious, bitter, resentful, angry, and stay depressed/depressing.
Real acceptance only comes when I recognize God is in total control, He loves me completely, He has a perfect plan that I probably can't envision, and I have to walk forward in faith, trusting Him.
Remember my friend Ron who's in Omaha now for cancer treatment? Here's what his wife just wrote me:
"I believe that the Lord is asking me today, 'Will you choose My abundant life today, or will you continue to wait until something changes, something is different, something is finished, something is better?' That life He has for me is only available from Him, with Him, in Him. His command and His invitation can be summed in the one word - 'COME'. I can know Him as my Savior and rarely know Him as my Life. (I just asked the Lord why I was having such a hard time writing about this and I sensed Him saying 'Because you don't know much about it') I am just laughing and chuckling to myself. Isn't God good?!"
CBMC Heartland, 09/27/02
eFax of Life is an outreach of CBMC Heartland, which is a not-for-profit organization supported by tax-deductible contributions. If you or a friend have been encouraged by these articles and would like to make a contribution, please make your check payable to "CBMC - Heartland" and write in the memo line "eFax of Life support." You can mail your contribution to: Ken Korkow - c/o CBMC Heartland, 1065 North 115th Street, Suite 100, Omaha, Nebraska 68154-4423. Contributions are not necessary to continue receiving the Fax.
To have the Fax of Life sent to your email inbox every week, fill out this submission form and you'll be added to the list within a few days.
